Deja Phew

A week and a half ago I found a pea sized lump just under one of my scars on my left foob. Finally I was able to have an ultrasound done and its just an oil cyst/fat necrosis. I know, EW. But for the last 10 days I’ve been having all manner of horror-show deja vu and panic attacks. And I think the radiologist today was even the same one who did that fateful ultrasound last April.  Today I actually managed to stave off my freak out until I was actually lying on the table and she put the probe on me. Then all hell broke loose in my brain. After a few minutes she said it was an oil cyst. But let me tell you, in the span of those few minutes prior, I had the following thoughts:

1. My eyeball is sore when I move it, oh my God is the cancer back and in my brain?
2. Can they even biopsy this thing with my tissue expanders in?
3. If it’s cancer does that mean removal of my expanders? Am I done with boobs altogether, and will it even matter?
4. Will I have to have another PET scan? Those are totally claustrophobic.
5. I’ve been having bowel issues and I haven’t had my colonoscopy yet-is it in my colon?
6. Would I have to do chemo again? I still have my hats.
7. How can I (and my family) go through this again?
8. If I die Tomas better plan an awesome funeral.
9. If I’m going to die I need to start making recorded video messages for Lili to view as she gets older, but can I even do that without blubbering?
10. Wow I’m 37 lbs. lighter than I was last year according to their records.
11. Wow I still weigh a lot.
12. Wow I better pick out a photo I approve of for him to blow up (and get airbrushed) and display at my funeral.
13. Wow this is getting way too ghoulish.

Yes I am being a drama queen but that’s how my mind works, one thought leads to another which leads to another, etc. Sometimes I wish my brain worked like that episode of SpongeBob where you could see inside his head and it was all rainbows, his pet snail Gary and crabby patties.

The only way to cope with this stuff is to take a deep breath and realize that whatever happens I will handle it and I will get through it.

P.S. No fill up at The Boob Whisperer this week due to the holiday which may be a good thing because they are still SORE. My right coconut sticks out on the side and is totally bruising my right arm.