Smooth Moves and Man Boobs

This expansion/fill up process is going to take FOREVER. I’ve only had two fills and it feels like I should have had at least five. And, they are lopsided because the flap side looks like a manboob and the right side looks like a bigger manboob. I’ve been assured all will be right in the end. I guess I’m just a generally impatient person. Take shopping for example. Shopping is like crack to me but, if after taking hours choosing items I can’t live without, there are more than three people in line, I will leave the store empty handed. Same thing with the drive through except reduce that line by two.

I think I’m feeling pretty good, all things considered. I’ve limited my narcotics intake to evenings and it’s a good thing I am taking fewer pain pills because (warning-spoiler alert-I mean graphic constipation discussion). Opioids cause constipation. We know this especially now with all the laxative and Linzesse commercials. I’ve taken laxatives in the past (like last year during chemo) without a problem, (yes, I know they are not good for you). But what happened last weekend scared me straight. I forgot to take the laxatives at night so first thing in the morning I took two. I developed pain and cramping like someone was playing cat’s cradle with my intestines. Or tying them into a double fisherman’s knot. All I could do was lay in the fetal position. I was cramping so bad I thought I would faint, and then my family would call 911 not knowing it was just my bowels trying really hard to move. And then the hot paramedics would come and find me on the bathroom floor in God knows what kind of disarray. And then my family would be all embarrassed and deny knowing me.  There is a natural tea that supposedly helps move things along called Smooth Move and so if I have to wait in line it should probably be to purchase this.