May 21 – D Day

Boobs you have served me well, fed my baby, looked pretty good in clothes, been small, medium and even large(ish) during my lifetime. But now you’re trying to kill me so you’re outta here. People want to understand what it’s like to face a bilateral mastectomy. The only way I could view it was that my breasts, the left one specifically, were ticking time bombs and I couldn’t wait to be rid of them. I think I also had a fear of the unknown. I’d googled photos. But I had other fears. Worse fears. Like where the sinister cells may have traveled. Waking up from the surgery I felt relief, it was done. For now. But really it was just beginning. After I was convinced that a truck truly had not run over me, the morphine kicked in but I was really only comfortable if I didn’t move. My awesome kick-ass nurse wrote my pain management goals on the white board.imageTomas and Lili came to see me and I was glad to have company although I was still pretty drugged. Random thoughts popped in and out of my head. Like where were my boobs right now? In a specimen jar somewhere? I must have mumbled it out loud because Tomas, obviously trying to keep the mood light wrote this on my white board under “Your Questions:” When the nurse saw that she laughed but handed my these pillow things which I supposed were to go into my shirt. I had two drains in my chest and the hospital gave me a “camisole” thingy that was supposed to hold them. The camisole was snug fitting and white. Clearly whoever designed this has no realistic picture of what’s going on here. There are drains that are draining bloody fluid and y’all want to give me a tight white tank top. Seriously. When I got home, Tomas gave me a small tool apron with two pouches I could hang around my neck and hold the drains. He has mad MacGyver skills. Going home the next day felt great. I’m in pain but if I mostly stay still it’s ok. I actually expected worse. I’m not sure what I expected exactly but I can move around okay. The drains come out in two weeks, staples come out in three weeks. Yay something to look forward to.